“This wouldn’t have happened if (s)he hadn’t been with you…” If you have children, you may find that you have to manage your experience of grief as a spouse alongside supporting your children through the loss of their parent. This may be unintentional but sometimes people voice explicitly where they think that the blame lies. It is likely that you will be grieving alongside your partner’s birth family and it may be that their reactions leave you feeling blamed in part or whole for the suicide. You may find yourself questioning other aspects of your relationship and worrying about how others perceive you as a partner or spouse. Or if there were indications, you may feel guilty that you did not do enough. If there were no indications of their intentions, you may question yourself about how you could not have noticed or feel that they deceived you by hiding it. “I felt I was not good enough to stay alive with…” You are likely to have had one of the closest relationships with the deceased – physically and emotionally. When you lose a partner to suicide it is not unusual to experience strong feelings of rejection or betrayal – a sense that they broke your shared commitment, that they chose to leave you or that they did not feel that they could look to you for help. Losing the person you have chosen to share your life with can destroy your hopes and expectations for the future.
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